“Life is a beautiful struggle” is a mantra I try to repeat to myself when I’m really struggling. It doesn’t really work, but I like the words. Good ol’ Talib Kweli. I’m sure he wrote that song for a mid-thirties middle class white woman from Canada.
Right now I’m having a hard time. I hate my job to the point where I don’t know how I am going to go every day. I work from 4:00 pm – midnight, so the rest of my day is spent worrying about going to work.
Let me tell you a little about myself. I have struggled with depression since high school. I am now 36. I also battled addiction problems. I have been sober for 10 years now. A year ago, I stopped taking antidepressants after about 15 years. This has been tough. I’m not sure it was a good decision, but I hate how tired and unmotivated they make me. Now I am not tired, but still unmotivated.
Now, back to work and life and me. I have a job that I consider beneath me. I know, all jobs are valuable and great and I’m lucky to have one, and blah blah blah, but going in every day and being a robot and being around people I don’t like is really taking its toll. Another thing that takes its toll is being awake past midnight. It gives me a bad feeling. So I am living with a constant bad feeling. Also, I will mention that I am a talented person. I do art. I build things. But the thing is, I can’t really do that stuff now. I just can’t. So I feel like I have to have a job in order to survive, because I can’t rely on the things I’m actually good at to support myself.
So now, here I am, today. It’s 2:32 and I need to start preparing to go to work. I have been having mini panic attacks since around 12:00 today. The same as every day.
The Beautiful Struggle 